exhibitionizzle

hi there...recovering from a pride weekend. I didnt even go to the parade. Not that i didnt want to. I just...didnt. but gawd i am performed out. Saturday night I performed with the Pupu Platter gang at Murray Hills 10pm show, and then again with the Dazzle Dancers at the 11.45 pm show. Once again we offended some uptight straight guy who works there because of our glitter. Why are people so freaked out about glitter? What can glitter possible do to you? Its not like its a flesh eating virus or even perspiration. Its glitter. Get over it. Anyway then sunday night I performed at this benefit for Fierce, down at the Knitting factory. It was a disappointment in crowd, but after i opened (i did Mike Chisano giving Pride safety advice. I'll include it in Ejaculations) i did get to see some great performances by Penny Arcade, Taylor Mac, Shania Rendezvous, Daniel Fishbeck (fishback?), this human beatbox guy, and the Fabulous Entourage, this super great band that is a young version of Human League mixed with Joe Jackson. Then last night i performed "Ree!" at the Bowery Poetry Club for christpher Brodeurs "Night of a Shitload of Stars" which included the very gorgeous and magnetic Dame D'arcy, the Haunted Pussies, and this sweet weird comedy duo of jewish twins who at least in their standup routine make jokes about having sex with eachother growing up.... After all this, i went to see an ex-bf for his birthday at a bar. There i was minding my own business when my friend came up and said "Is that X's new boyfriend outside with him?" I had no idea he was dating anyone new, and it was so abrupt to hear it i didnt really know what to do with my face. I mean its not like i want everyone i have ever dated to sit in a cryogenic chamber for the rest of their lives, but still, you know, you dont want to be socially smacked in the face with it. I dont have the ability to be cool about things. i never have. So i had to leave. And that, my lovely electrofriends, was my dumb gay pride weekend.

Now i am feeling like all i want to do is sit in my room, read, study my spanish and be affectionate in personal, private ways instead of flinging it out to an audience. This is the threatening life of a performer i guess. Too much tossing out your energy leaves you feeling a little depleted and emptied. At the Murray Hill show, Dirty Martini, one of the sexiest, most gorgeous burlesque talents ever, was standing there in her pink wig and pasties backstage, and she said..."Ugh...all i want to do right now is sit on my couch and watch movies..." but then she got out there and performed and the crowd went wild for her. What a pro.

I am going through a very slumbery, confusing, and paranoid creative time right now. I am sorry to be so me-me-me. I kind of just hope that talking about it will somehow help me connect with you and be able to someday articulate somehthing that brings us closer...but i am having a difficult time focusing. I feel overwhelmed by small tasks. I have big ideas that seem to complicated to even find simple ways to express. I dont have a throughline right now. I have all the gas and the car but no highway map. Does this make sense? Everything seems so doomed and global and i feel like a speck. I walked into St Marks Bookshop to buy the ex a gift (Lyn Hejinian's book - My Life...one of my favorites) and saw Daniel Pichbeck's new book "2012" about how the mayan calendar ends at 2012 and spells a huge shift in thinking, the end of time noted in many other ancient cultures and religions. And i stood there, stumped. What can i do?

Well, my answer has been to go back to the words. I am just writing phrases down, finding poetry in small things and signs and ripped receipts, like i have always done. I have been working on these poems that are composed of the subject headings from my junk mail folder. I'll put those down here soon. I woke up the other day saying "Arithmetic Teeth!" I dont know what it meant but i liked the phrase. Thank god for poetry.