Confessional Bubbles

I get nervous about revealing too much here....should i tell you _________? and ___________? and ________, and that i still _________? No, i dont want to. And believe me you don't want to hear about it. Those truly personal parts of ourselves end up being so mundane and idiosyncratic and involve bathroom mirrors and repetetive phrases.

We all have facts and habits and earwax we dont show people just to keep the world efficient, clean and in working order.

Its better for me to say, yes, there are still secrets i have, and maybe thats what makes these ruminations a more authentic expression of me, since I have always believed that your social personality, what some people say is superficial, is actually the truer self...

Its funny how I think, how we all think, we are being so honest in our virtual fleshless versions...I can tell you it suits me so well, because i love expressing myself, but still there is a safe layer, i guess...some pearly bubble-wall that makes all this emoting safe...I'm sure dojos and trancendant teachers see this realm as a much muddier place than the swift and airy place i feel it is...
.it is definitely a realm, isnt it. Its the suit of Swords in the Tarot -- the world of thoughts, which sometimes can anneal into action or materialize into money or liquify into love, but for the most part sits in the airy layered world of thought....

There are Buddhists, like my friends Paul and Sebene, who are so good at clearing their heads of thoughts.

I wish was good at lifting myself from my thoughts. I think i am addicted to them. I close my eyes and I think about the future and past and present all at once. I rehearse embarrassing moments that have never happened, I practice terrible accidents.

Sometimes when doing yoga (arent i the biggest fruitcake you have ever known?) i can concentrate my thoughts into one eye, in the middle of my head...a sort of tunnel with an iris and dark center...

but that's about it...

why am i saying all this....

i guess i want to acknowledge how distant i still am from you, no matter how much i try to express myself, I will always be in my little confessional bubble...I'm admitting to it i guess...how safe i am here in the end...

I'm taking small baby steps through Remembrance of Things Past right now. I'll probably finish it when i no longer have teeth to chew Madellene cookies, but on page 20 is a great line:

"our social personality is the creation of the thoughts of other people"