The Credit Sunrise

So it looks like once again the finiancial jackals that seem to love giving me panic and fretful fitful nights are once again pointing and laughing at me and saying "Ha ha, you are SO going to be in debt for the rest of your life!" because i just had my taxes done, and i THOUGHT i was all parsimonious with my film option money, but i think i planned wrong and will have to owe gobs and gobs of money that I DONT HAVE to the goverment. Meanwhile, i still owe student loans for an education of two small brief years that has now cost me more than what my parents spend for my four years (thank you mom and dad!) of undergrad. And it keeps increasing...

Its times like these that i get very scared and freaked out and start feeling like i am turning into one of those bitter damaged twitchheads you may see in a Starbucks in a turban made from sweatpants, applying lipbalm all day. I start feeling like there is some conspiracy that keeps me from feeling financially free...because there is NO WAY that, say, Foxy Brown manages her money better than i do.

I am careful and frugal, but of course i love to buy wine, and go out to eat, and buy my friend a drink now and then...but i am NOT living out some bling fantasy life! You shoudl see my apartment. The only shoes i have are free ones i got from my cargo job and adidas sponsorship in 2005. The only jeans i own are free ones i got from Cargo, again. I only buy second hand clothes. i went to Italy...i buy used books...i got my TV and DVD player for free from a friend...and dragged it down the street and into a cab and lugged it up to my apartment by myself. I either found all my furniture on the street or had it given to me by friends. My biggest extravagance is that i eat out a lot....but i eat barely anything all day and then will spend maybe 30-50 bucks for dinner...or on food for the day...

I ran into John Kelly, the incredible performer, singer, artist...who is like some kind of angel to me...he always shows up in my life at strange heightened moments...and i told him my financial woes and how i feel like i have some sort of curse with money....he was so comforting...calming me down and saying it will be fine...and that he went through the same thing in 2003..."Its not in your DNA" he said....My dad and friends have been really cool during this spazzy state i am in too...

I think right now i need to show you this poem i wrote when i was in Columbia Grad School. Its about how i knew at the time i would always be in the red, for the rest of my life. (word of warning...i was a little in my oblique poetry stage, but still, it expresses all this better than my wingeing)

The Credit Sunrise

I am so indebted to the red direction
me, my prices recede into shine
where i plan to hock off my eyes

Increasing heat really anneals me
it depends though how you position
my owing mouth on the gun

I'm not too intimate apparently
i borrow such tragics as drowning
I'll slowly bloat over time

Recently i went to a shore with people I don't know
That was a vacation I flew encased in an airline
seatback peanut bag and the long big credit sunrise