I am a gasping carp like Jessica Simpson and it scares me

Jessica told Oprah or some other entertainment talk show powerbroker this week how she wants to be in love again. And then she pouted her mouth and her bangs quivered. And for a moment i felt so emotionally tied to the blondstress. I would love to be in love too. Is that so American of us or what?

I worry that i don't have any juice left. I am afraid that i depleted whatever gland it is in me that fools people into believing they could live with someone for the rest of their lives. I am so afriad it has been squeezed dry. I spent my torpid, twisted twenties falling in love so frequently, always with the wrong guys (the ones who loved drugs more than me, or lost my numbers, or who, goddamn my own head, descended at some badly timed moment in my life when i was too frazzled to appreciate them) and now I have become supremely cautious and nothing seems to make my heart thump.

Do you think we have only a handful of chances at love and then that's it? Does anything big happen anymore? Does anyone in America feel gusty?

Even the earth seems overfished. 90 percent of salmon and bluefin tuna are gone. The whole lively ocean has been combed over with trawlers so that it is almost barren of wriggling promise. Now we have to eat tilapia and have less filling emotional relationships. It's such a barren ecosystem that even Jessica Simpson can't fall in love.

That girl is like a cultural trawler. A freind of mine said that she was like a vulture at the MTV Music Video Awards, grabbing as many free gift items as possible, and walking out with a huge bag of sunglasses. Then they had some sort of contest where everyone was given a key to turn on a Bentley or something and she won! Why is she getting so much free goddamn stuff? She better be fucking donating those sunglasses to a battered womens clinic or something.

Well maybe this is how it will be now. We are all trawlers, gorging on as much as possible, until we drain the ocean, and flop around on the ground like carps in a fish market, gasping from our gills.