FRETWORK NEWS, September 20th, 2006
Hello I’m alex alans
And I’m Christina cho
And welcome to the fretwork news
A - Accidentally starting a holy war, Pope benedict the 16th issued an extraordinary personal apology to Muslims on Sunday, after his speech last week in which he cited a reference to Islam as “evil and inhuman.” In his apology, he announced he had no intention of causing such anger from the Islamic community and that he has been a very very bad Pope, and that he should be punished, and if any hairy hot bearded muslim men want to come by and torture his anus until it is flappy and worn and multicolored like a rainbow flag windsock, he will be waiting, naked, in his rector room.
C: The nationwide health scare over E Coli bacteria-ridden spinach widened Monday, as the number of states reporting sickness increased to 21. At least 111 people have become ill. One death is blamed on the outbreak – Classic cartoon icon, Popeye, who passed away in his Connecticut home after gorging on 17 pounds of fresh spinach. His exwife Olive Oyl was on hand to issue this statement: “ooooooooohhhhh!” Although the cause of the outbreak is still unclear, Homeland Security issued a new color code warning – green…and added terrorist The Jolly Green Giant to the list of most wanted.
A: In National news, A small plane with only the pilot on board crashed into a Wal-Mart in Manchester New Hampshire earlier today. The pilot was pulled from the wreckage badly hurt, but there were no reports of injuries on the ground. At first the building seemed seriously damaged, but witnesses observed the Walmart begin to swallow and absorb the small plane, which made it grow bigger and spread out onto the American landscape like an unstoppable blob.
C: Hey you horny sex tourists, You may have to change your itinerary! Americans caught paying children for sex in foreign countries now can be prosecuted in the United States. A federal appeals court in California ruled in favor of a law that criminalizes such behavior for any American citizen regardless of where they are. The court did also mention that though you can’t have sex with children, you can still dress them up like little sluts, spread their legs and make them simulate a blow job, as long as it is for a pageant, figure skating competition, reality game show or some other nice American way of making money.
A - Katie Couric is hot out of the gate! After completling her 2nd week as news anchor for CBS, Couric is in the lead of the nightly news ratings race with 10.2 million viewers, a big gain over NBC’s Charles Gibson with 7.9 million viewers and ABC’s Brian Williams with 7.2 million. In Last place is the fretwork News, with a total count of…um….18 viewers.
C: The safety of Space Shuttle Atlantis mission was compromised when NASA engineers discovered some mysterious debris floating below the shuttle as it orbits the earth. Using a video camera in the shuttle's cargo bay, Mission Control analyzed the debris and realized it wasn’t anything that important, just a few of Darth Vadar’s old used magnum condoms, a notorious intergalactic litterbug and space dawg. I KNEW Darth Vadar had a big cock! You can just tell!
A: Oh totally. It’s the deep voice. I heard Chewbacca is hung. ET? Not so much.
C: Ew. I bet ET’s cock is all thin and knuckly.
A: Ew. With a really long smelly foreskin.
A: A dentist and three other men have been charged in New York with illegally harvesting bones and organs from more than 1,000 corpses. Ugh. You know, all this talk of cock and corpses…I am so hungry. Are you hungry Christina?
C: I sure am.
A: Would you like some KFC?
C: Why thank you
A: The four defendants allegedly made millions of dollars selling unscreened body tissue taken from the bodies of people who never consented to be donors. The bodies included that of veteran BBC broadcaster Alistair Cooke.
C: Investigators searching a farm for a missing man in North Carolina found two groups of decomposing human remains, possibly belonging to two people, and arrested a couple who live on the property, authorities said Monday. During the weekend, deputies found plastic bags of decomposing body parts buried under the floorboards of the farm house, and a second cache of remains buried underneath a shed in a freezer.
A: Mmm! Oh… two New York City transit workers found a bloody trash bag packed with an arm and two legs last week inside a tunnel of the Nostrand Ave. station, near Fulton St. As well as a second bag - full of bloody tools and drill bits. According to one worker, "There was a foot protruding from one side," "You could tell it was fresh," Peering inside the bag, cops saw an arm and two legs. The legs had been cut off below the hips. More body part news later in the show!
C - Scientists said on Monday they found 52 new species of marine life in seas off Indonesia, confirming the western Pacific as the richest marine habitat on earth Among the discoveries were corals, two types of shark, and an exotic "flasher" fish.. The males, which keep harems of several females, suddenly "flash" bright yellows, blues, pinks or other colors on their bodies, apparently as part of a sex ritual.
[alex flashes audience, wearing skimpy colorful tights]
A: We’ll be right back on the Fretwork News….!!!
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